Frosting

The kid is eating frosting right out of the jar with a knife.
Kid: The only thing that would make this better is if it had butter on it.

Breaking a Headlight

We are driving at night. An oncoming car has blue headlights.

Kid: Look at those lights!
Me: I think those are halogen.
Kid: What? Halo Legend?
Me: No, halogen.
Kid *laughs*: That is such a typical teen thing to mistake!
*pauses*
Kid: Why would they put drugs in there? Could you imagine if they broke? We’d all be stoned.
Me: What?
Kid: Oh, never mind. Those aren’t hallucinogens.

Meland

The kid’s foot hurts and is bruised, but she doesn’t know why. I text her to see if she has a DS.

Kid: Yes maam
me: i like to hear that. You should say that all the time to me. I’ll call you “private” but you can be 2nd in command of Meland. *drops iron-fist-of-rule on kid’s foot * Well. That explains that.
Tabitha: Mom!!! i love u lol. I wanna come home tonight is that ok? (She was going to spend the night at the grandparents.)
me: Thank god. I was worried I’d have to empty the dish washer.

She hasn’t replied yet. Maybe Meland isn’t looking so great.

Not What She Was Thinking

I’m looking at Amazon and thinking of Christmas presents when I text my daughter.

me: have you heard of this? Rune Factory: A Fantasy Harvest Moon
Kid: Yeah!!!
me: Would you like me to remove that memory from your brain?

Pushing My Button

Phone rings during my lunch. I answer it anyway.

Me: (states department name) This is (name).

I hear beeping as the other person is still dialing.

Me: Hello? Hello? HELLO!!?
Woman *stops pushing buttons*: Hello
Me: Hi.
Woman: Is this (my #)?
Me: Yes.
Woman: Is this the (department)?
Me: Yes.
Woman: Why didn’t you identify yourself when you answered the phone?

It Isn’t Klingon I’m Speaking

The kid needs to get her hand xrayed again.

Grandma’s plan: Walmart, supper, xray in ER ($50).
My plan: xray (free, not in ER), supper, Walmart.

Me: Take her to get the xray now.
Grandma: But it will be easier tonight.
Me: If you take her now, I won’t have to pay anything.
Grandma: It will be the same thing later.
Me: NO! I’ll have to pay $50! Now is free, the ER will cost me $50!
Grandma: I don’t understand what you are saying.

Grandma Beats Herself Up

We are in Kansas City visiting family with my parents. My mom has her arm in a sling because she tore her rotator cuff….falling over a box. We just check into the hotel and are getting settled in when the kid turns with a big suitcase and hits Grandma in the back.

Grandma *eyes wide*: Uuuhnn!
Kid: I’m sorry, Grandma!
Grandma: That’s okay.
Everyone *laughs*
Grandpa: Why don’t you yell her? If I had done that, you’d have yelled at me!
Me: Well, duh.

I was having trouble with allergies so my mom gave me a little Kleenex pack with one side all ripped up.

Me: Why did you rip this side up?
Grandma: I had to get the Kleenex out some way!
Me *flips pack over, illustrates handy flap on the other side…several times, while laughing. I turn to go to the bathroom.*
Grandma: I’m going to kick you in the butt!
*Note: I’m at least 6″ taller.*
Me *feels light tap, several seconds go by when there is a very loud THUD*
Kid: GRANDMA!
*I turn around. Grandma, having done an awkward sideways crab walk after her attempt to teach me a lesson, slams her torn rotator cuff shoulder into the wall.*
Grandma: Uuuuhhhnnnn! I didn’t expect her butt to be so high.

Guess who’s having surgery?

Ask a Stupid Question (at the mall)

Sales woman with tube of lotion as I’m walking by: May I ask you a question?
Me: You just did.

Ask a Stupid Question…

Employee walks up to my desk.
Employee: Do you think *pauses*….?
Me: No. Well, sometimes. If I have to.

Later, same employee, walking by my desk.
Employee: Guess what I’m doing?!
Me: Walking?

Being Dr. House

Saturday
3:30 p.m.
Leaving an afternoon party.

The kid gets in the car and shuts the door.
Kid *calm*: mumbles
Me *looks over, notices her entire hand is shut in the top part of the door, mouth hangs open*
Kid *uses left hand to open door, sets right hand on lap*
Together *we silently stare at her hand which has imprints from the rubber seal*
Me: Does it hurt?
Kid *starts to cry*: It hurts really bad!

3:40 p.m.
ER
Me: My daughter just shut her hand in the car door.
Clerk: She shot her hand with what?
Me: SHUT
Clerk: Weren’t you just here?

3:45 p.m.
Nurse: Weren’t you just here a couple of days ago?

3:50 p.m.
Doctor: Weren’t you just here a couple of days ago?

4:05 p.m.
New nurse: Weren’t you just here?

4:30 p.m.
No broken bones, kid gets Vicodin
Kid: Awesome! Isn’t that what House takes?
Me: Yeah.

5:30 p.m.
Kid *stoned*: I’m never doing drugs!

7:00 p.m.
Dinner at a Japanese resteraunt with friends and very stoned kid.

Friend to kid: Would you like to try a bite of my salmon sushi?
Kid *grabs entire piece with her fingers, takes a bite*: Yummy!
Kid *tries to hand fingered up piece of raw salmon back*: Would you like it back?
Everyone *laughing*: NO!