It Isn’t Klingon I’m Speaking

The kid needs to get her hand xrayed again.

Grandma’s plan: Walmart, supper, xray in ER ($50).
My plan: xray (free, not in ER), supper, Walmart.

Me: Take her to get the xray now.
Grandma: But it will be easier tonight.
Me: If you take her now, I won’t have to pay anything.
Grandma: It will be the same thing later.
Me: NO! I’ll have to pay $50! Now is free, the ER will cost me $50!
Grandma: I don’t understand what you are saying.

Grandma Beats Herself Up

We are in Kansas City visiting family with my parents. My mom has her arm in a sling because she tore her rotator cuff….falling over a box. We just check into the hotel and are getting settled in when the kid turns with a big suitcase and hits Grandma in the back.

Grandma *eyes wide*: Uuuhnn!
Kid: I’m sorry, Grandma!
Grandma: That’s okay.
Everyone *laughs*
Grandpa: Why don’t you yell her? If I had done that, you’d have yelled at me!
Me: Well, duh.

I was having trouble with allergies so my mom gave me a little Kleenex pack with one side all ripped up.

Me: Why did you rip this side up?
Grandma: I had to get the Kleenex out some way!
Me *flips pack over, illustrates handy flap on the other side…several times, while laughing. I turn to go to the bathroom.*
Grandma: I’m going to kick you in the butt!
*Note: I’m at least 6″ taller.*
Me *feels light tap, several seconds go by when there is a very loud THUD*
Kid: GRANDMA!
*I turn around. Grandma, having done an awkward sideways crab walk after her attempt to teach me a lesson, slams her torn rotator cuff shoulder into the wall.*
Grandma: Uuuuhhhnnnn! I didn’t expect her butt to be so high.

Guess who’s having surgery?

Ask a Stupid Question (at the mall)

Sales woman with tube of lotion as I’m walking by: May I ask you a question?
Me: You just did.

Ask a Stupid Question…

Employee walks up to my desk.
Employee: Do you think *pauses*….?
Me: No. Well, sometimes. If I have to.

Later, same employee, walking by my desk.
Employee: Guess what I’m doing?!
Me: Walking?

Being Dr. House

Saturday
3:30 p.m.
Leaving an afternoon party.

The kid gets in the car and shuts the door.
Kid *calm*: mumbles
Me *looks over, notices her entire hand is shut in the top part of the door, mouth hangs open*
Kid *uses left hand to open door, sets right hand on lap*
Together *we silently stare at her hand which has imprints from the rubber seal*
Me: Does it hurt?
Kid *starts to cry*: It hurts really bad!

3:40 p.m.
ER
Me: My daughter just shut her hand in the car door.
Clerk: She shot her hand with what?
Me: SHUT
Clerk: Weren’t you just here?

3:45 p.m.
Nurse: Weren’t you just here a couple of days ago?

3:50 p.m.
Doctor: Weren’t you just here a couple of days ago?

4:05 p.m.
New nurse: Weren’t you just here?

4:30 p.m.
No broken bones, kid gets Vicodin
Kid: Awesome! Isn’t that what House takes?
Me: Yeah.

5:30 p.m.
Kid *stoned*: I’m never doing drugs!

7:00 p.m.
Dinner at a Japanese resteraunt with friends and very stoned kid.

Friend to kid: Would you like to try a bite of my salmon sushi?
Kid *grabs entire piece with her fingers, takes a bite*: Yummy!
Kid *tries to hand fingered up piece of raw salmon back*: Would you like it back?
Everyone *laughing*: NO!

Thont Tho Thrugs

Wednesday
8:00 p.m.
The kid said her tongue was swelling up and she was having trouble swallowing.

8:30 p.m.
ER
Doctor: What school do you go to?
Kid: Weth Thigh.
Doctor: When did this start?
Kid: A fhew hourls atho.
Me *laughs*
Doctor *laughs, to me*: I wasn’t going to laugh until you did!
Doctor *to kid*: Now say Sylvester Stallone.

9:00 p.m. (after epinephrine shot)
Kid *tweaking and feeling miserable*: Is this what taking drugs feels like?
Me *lying*: YES!!

Guess, But Please Don’t Be Right

The kid and I took a class on lampworking (making glass beads). I told her we might go to the lab this Thursday.

Kid: Guess what!? I have a surprise for you this Thursday if we go in.
Me: What? Grandma’s going to pay?
Kid *disappointed*: Try not to guess.