Partly Crazy

Frosting

zanydew — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 23:49:08 +0000

The kid is eating frosting right out of the jar with a knife.
Kid: The only thing that would make this better is if it had butter on it.

Breaking a Headlight

zanydew — Wed, 17 Nov 2010 20:58:46 +0000

We are driving at night. An oncoming car has blue headlights.

Kid: Look at those lights!
Me: I think those are halogen.
Kid: What? Halo Legend?
Me: No, halogen.
Kid *laughs*: That is such a typical teen thing to mistake!
*pauses*
Kid: Why would they put drugs in there? Could you imagine if they broke? We’d all be stoned.
Me: What?
Kid: Oh, never mind. Those aren’t hallucinogens.

Meland

zanydew — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 18:06:15 +0000

The kid’s foot hurts and is bruised, but she doesn’t know why. I text her to see if she has a DS.

Kid: Yes maam
me: i like to hear that. You should say that all the time to me. I’ll call you “private” but you can be 2nd in command of Meland. *drops iron-fist-of-rule on kid’s foot * Well. That explains that.
Tabitha: Mom!!! i love u lol. I wanna come home tonight is that ok? (She was going to spend the night at the grandparents.)
me: Thank god. I was worried I’d have to empty the dish washer.

She hasn’t replied yet. Maybe Meland isn’t looking so great.

Not What She Was Thinking

zanydew — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 17:58:07 +0000

I’m looking at Amazon and thinking of Christmas presents when I text my daughter.

me: have you heard of this? Rune Factory: A Fantasy Harvest Moon
Kid: Yeah!!!
me: Would you like me to remove that memory from your brain?

Pushing My Button

zanydew — Mon, 04 Oct 2010 19:33:36 +0000

Phone rings during my lunch. I answer it anyway.

Me: (states department name) This is (name).

I hear beeping as the other person is still dialing.

Me: Hello? Hello? HELLO!!?
Woman *stops pushing buttons*: Hello
Me: Hi.
Woman: Is this (my #)?
Me: Yes.
Woman: Is this the (department)?
Me: Yes.
Woman: Why didn’t you identify yourself when you answered the phone?

It Isn’t Klingon I’m Speaking

zanydew — Wed, 29 Sep 2010 15:42:24 +0000

The kid needs to get her hand xrayed again.

Grandma’s plan: Walmart, supper, xray in ER ($50).
My plan: xray (free, not in ER), supper, Walmart.

Me: Take her to get the xray now.
Grandma: But it will be easier tonight.
Me: If you take her now, I won’t have to pay anything.
Grandma: It will be the same thing later.
Me: NO! I’ll have to pay $50! Now is free, the ER will cost me $50!
Grandma: I don’t understand what you are saying.

Grandma Beats Herself Up

zanydew — Wed, 29 Sep 2010 15:35:25 +0000

We are in Kansas City visiting family with my parents. My mom has her arm in a sling because she tore her rotator cuff….falling over a box. We just check into the hotel and are getting settled in when the kid turns with a big suitcase and hits Grandma in the back.

Grandma *eyes wide*: Uuuhnn!
Kid: I’m sorry, Grandma!
Grandma: That’s okay.
Everyone *laughs*
Grandpa: Why don’t you yell her? If I had done that, you’d have yelled at me!
Me: Well, duh.

I was having trouble with allergies so my mom gave me a little Kleenex pack with one side all ripped up.

Me: Why did you rip this side up?
Grandma: I had to get the Kleenex out some way!
Me *flips pack over, illustrates handy flap on the other side…several times, while laughing. I turn to go to the bathroom.*
Grandma: I’m going to kick you in the butt!
*Note: I’m at least 6″ taller.*
Me *feels light tap, several seconds go by when there is a very loud THUD*
Kid: GRANDMA!
*I turn around. Grandma, having done an awkward sideways crab walk after her attempt to teach me a lesson, slams her torn rotator cuff shoulder into the wall.*
Grandma: Uuuuhhhnnnn! I didn’t expect her butt to be so high.

Guess who’s having surgery?

Ask a Stupid Question (at the mall)

zanydew — Wed, 29 Sep 2010 15:10:00 +0000

Sales woman with tube of lotion as I’m walking by: May I ask you a question?
Me: You just did.

Ask a Stupid Question…

zanydew — Wed, 29 Sep 2010 15:05:22 +0000

Employee walks up to my desk.
Employee: Do you think *pauses*….?
Me: No. Well, sometimes. If I have to.

Later, same employee, walking by my desk.
Employee: Guess what I’m doing?!
Me: Walking?

Being Dr. House

zanydew — Wed, 29 Sep 2010 14:58:23 +0000

Saturday
3:30 p.m.
Leaving an afternoon party.

The kid gets in the car and shuts the door.
Kid *calm*: mumbles
Me *looks over, notices her entire hand is shut in the top part of the door, mouth hangs open*
Kid *uses left hand to open door, sets right hand on lap*
Together *we silently stare at her hand which has imprints from the rubber seal*
Me: Does it hurt?
Kid *starts to cry*: It hurts really bad!

3:40 p.m.
ER
Me: My daughter just shut her hand in the car door.
Clerk: She shot her hand with what?
Me: SHUT
Clerk: Weren’t you just here?

3:45 p.m.
Nurse: Weren’t you just here a couple of days ago?

3:50 p.m.
Doctor: Weren’t you just here a couple of days ago?

4:05 p.m.
New nurse: Weren’t you just here?

4:30 p.m.
No broken bones, kid gets Vicodin
Kid: Awesome! Isn’t that what House takes?
Me: Yeah.

5:30 p.m.
Kid *stoned*: I’m never doing drugs!

7:00 p.m.
Dinner at a Japanese resteraunt with friends and very stoned kid.

Friend to kid: Would you like to try a bite of my salmon sushi?
Kid *grabs entire piece with her fingers, takes a bite*: Yummy!
Kid *tries to hand fingered up piece of raw salmon back*: Would you like it back?
Everyone *laughing*: NO!